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Traveler's Guide #1

I spend a lot of time on the road. And most of these roads are in the middle of nowhere in the mid-west. It's scary out here at night. The towns are dead, even the villains aren't out. I prefer a city that stays awake odd hours, and the bad guys are so bold that they don't try to hide it. They hang out in the open which is honorable of them. It's like they are saying, "Hey, we out here smoking drugs and looking for trouble! Mosey down these streets and it’s your own fault." But in these small towns, desperate with free spaces, you can't see them and that always makes me nervous.

Hurling down highways and staying alive with gas station coffee is a risk, every time. The liquids build up and sooner or later it’s a problem that needs addressing. You can't pour Red bull and Club Soda and Black Coffee and Iced Coffee and a Spring Water and a Diet Pepsi down your throat within the span of an hour or two and expect biology to be patient. You're gonna have to pee! But this leads to two problems: the sooner your pee, the sooner you'll have to pee again, and you're gonna have to stop somewhere sketchy to pee because on these old roads, everywhere is sketchy.

Now, the first issue can be managed. You're gonna have to hold it in as long as you can. There's an unspoken law of the universe that if you can hold it in until within 45 minutes of your destination, the governors of reality will reward you and mark you physically unable to pee your pants. It is written about in the old texts. So, problem one can first be managed with Buddhist like control of your own body. There are also some man-made tricks to help you appease the gods. You have to block the flow. You can fill the hose up all the way to the brim as long as you don't twist the cap off. In other words, trap your junk between your body and your belt so it cuts off flow and try to get your mind off it. That'll last you at least 30 minutes and if the 45-minute safety zone is within 30 minutes of that, you must be brave, and you will be rewarded! Bravery is nothing without risk though, and you know what you're risking. Only attempt this showdown with fate if you are on your way home, never to the venue. Unless you planned ahead and brought pants, but planning is another thing for another day.

The second issue with breaking the seal, which must be down sometimes, is where to stop. You have a few options. 1) A rest stop. These are usually safe, at least they seem to be, but they look like they shouldn't be. There are always some long-haul truckers parked in the distance resting or sleeping or worse. I one time went with a friend to sell a gun to someone on Craigslist and we met him at a Rest stop on the outskirts. He was a trucker. Ever since then, I've assumed they are armed and lonely. A deadly combination if you make errant eye contact with strangers. Every time I pee at a rest stop, I tell myself: "You've had a good run. If this is the end, so be it."

A second option is hold it till the next exit and then just go pee at the first station you see. This is always scary. To think your meal ticket is a poorly run BP with old tuna cans and not much as else on the outskirts of a small town, is a desperate entrepreneurial endeavor. You should have at least franchised a Dunkn. And I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that these are the places the person that wants to smell your guts first sees you at, then they follow you till they can make your move and then.... Midwest Machete Massacre 2: Had It Coming.

The third option, the best option, is hold it till you can find some population. Look for a Love's or a Flying J, or something chain truck stop. They'll have more travelers roaming around, getting gas, buying hats and all of that stuff. Do you increase your likelihood of crossing paths with a murderer? Yeah sure! They need to fuel up and love Subway tuna flatbreads too! But the odds that you are the one they go for is way smaller. Plus, if they do choose you, there are more people around that will be able to leave the cops to where he is keeping you, or at least, to where to find your body. And you loved ones will appreciate the closure!

Now, you're saying to your screen, "Jameson, there’s a 4th option that you aren’t talking about. Just pull over, get out and pee on the side of the highway!" And to that I say, "Oh, country mouse, you tryn' be a eunuch?" I did this once on a trip with my brother and his friends. We were drinking beers and playing scratch offs all the way down route 66! And the beers added up until one of us had to break the seal. He waited as long as he could, but we were far away from the 45-minute window and the gods were behaving mischievous that day, so we chose not to risk it. The driver pulled over and we all lined up on the side of the road facing the corn stalks that blocked our view of the horizon. We let it rip! The 4 of us combined created the auditory illusion of a creek being sprung, or at least that’s what I assume because out of nowhere, flying through the corn stalks alleyways came to large dogs! Our dicks were still out while they easily cleared the barbed wire fence as we shuffled back the Kia pulling our pants up and screaming real cries of fear and desperation. We got off light that day. Had we been just a few meters closer that would have been the end of it for one of us for sure. So, I say to you, feel free to risk it, but me, I'm an evolved man so I will at least risk my life for plumbing.

On a final note, just remember, when travelling vast distances on the highway and you're feeling froggy, don't forget that stopping somewhere with more people means a bigger likelihood of criminal activity, but it also means, a bigger likelihood of more witnesses.

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